My life as a fat girl part 5: still seeing a fat girl

    I am incredibly hard on myself, but I know I can't be alone.  If my life was a comic the scale would be my enemy. I have gone through this process weighing myself as little as possible, and taking pictures often.This is me... A self proclaimed "fat girl". I have come so far but I feel my negative view of myself is one day going to get the better of me. "My life as a fat girl" is doing great things. People are getting up and out and it is showing all of us that we don't need anything fancy to get in shape. Today my friend C and I ran around the play ground like a bunch of kids doing jumping jacks and climbing over and under things. I did a toes to bar for the first time today, just for fun today! I tried that a few months ago and it was nothing short of comedy.I can assure you.

   As I sat here uploading these two pictures...I had this over whelming sense of confusion. I wish I saw what everyone else sees in me. I have gone down 6 whole sizes ( from a 20W to a 14) but I still feel fat.  I still look in the mirror and pull and poke at myself. I don't want to be this person, but I don't know how to stop. Sometimes I randomly burst into tears thinking about the day I walk into a "normal" girl store and fit into the clothes.  But the truth is I'm not even sure what size those stores sell anymore, and I'm terrified to go shopping, and have nothing fit.  So I'm waiting on the day I run out of clothes that fit, and  it may take a while because I've been hoarding clothes this whole time.  Getting rid of nothing, and holding onto some dream that one day they might fit again. Have you been in my shoes? How can I be so much smaller but in my eyes I look the same? Everyday I feel like I haven't tried hard enough.

    Losing weight is an incredibly hard journey. It's one that in my younger years I never thought I would have to go through, but here I am.  I refuse to stop trying, because I know even if I don't see any changes at least I can live with myself knowing I tried.  I use to hear people talk about fat girls that would get thin or in shape, what have you, and they would say oh they are so nice because they don't know they're beautiful now. I tell people I was a very mean person..I was suck up and vain, and was just a bully. I sometimes feel I needed to gain all this weight to figure out who I really am. I have met so many amazing women, and I know that my closed off clicky self would never have gotten the chance to get close to them before. I still have no clue what my purpose in life is, so I will stick to five year old Bonnie's dream "I  just want to make the world smile"! 

My life as a fat girl part 4: Running, am I really supposed to like this?

    Ok, so I couldn't run even in my best shape. I remember in high school I would struggle to finish my mile. So when I gained 75 lbs I thought it was impossible to start running and actually get somewhere. My first goal was to run a mile straight..Well, I crushed it! I ran a mile and then did insanity, it was freaking crazy! I ran my fat girl butt off. I set my mind to it and didn't stop. When I got to the end I had a huge smile on my face. I must have looked insane, but it didn't matter to me. In that moment I ran a freaking marathon and won! It was an amazing feeling, I wasn't even winded.
    Last night my friend A invited me to go to the track with her.  I'm not sure if she had any intentions to run, but I felt highly motivated so I suggested we try. We ran 2 and a half miles with a few walking breaks. We would have gone further but they turned off the lights, and we weren't trying to get set on fire so we sprinted back to the car. We did awesome, we weren't winded or laying on the ground in agony and my legs feel fine. Here's the trick... I start slow barely picking my feet up off the ground just really getting the jogging motion, then just keep going.. It's as simple as that. I tried couch to 5k and although I think it is an amazing app it just wasn't for me. I hated the loud pinging in my ear and I found myself trying to run to fast for my level.
    My goals are simple...I just want to be better then last time. What are your goals, big, small, anything? My next goal is to run 2 and a half miles straight. I think I'm getting the hang of this running thing.

My life as a fat girl part 3: Backlash

    A fashion show isn't just...a designer, it's models and hair and make-up and stage hands and a group working together to make a beautiful thing.  I'm not sure when I even started this journey.  It all seems to be this blurr...At some point I decided I was going to get healthy, and I hoped someone would be on board.
   I signed up for a fitness challenge and met a girl who happens to be my neighbor. She was the perfect partner. We would walk together every morning, and somehow I started to get in better shape. I was hooked!  One of my friends L. Said she wouldn't mind printing out workouts and we would meet up and do them together, but if you read part 2 you know this already.  I created a private page stemmed from my personal fb and called it "my life as a fat girl". I had no clue what I was doing, but it felt good to have all my friends in one place working out and inspiring one another.  I come to a point in time now(probably because shark week) that I stand divided. My heart hurts and I want to abandon everything!
    I have never been "special" I have always been this bland girl searching and striving to be something spectacular! I guess I always referred to it as my group, but I do want them to know I wouldn't have gotten off my butt most days without them, so this is very much OUR group.  I thought I was running things smoothly, but I feel I should make an open page so anyone can join and get their fitness on.  They don't know yet, but I will be taking a poll to change the name of the group. I don't want a face to it...I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and have anyone feel the way I felt(just stage left, damn bee 13 in the elementary school play) There really is no way to make all 33 people an admin or to make each and everyone feel special.  I felt like I was including everyone, but no woman will be left behind in this group(that is if she wants the hand). So I think maybe just for today, I hope not all week, I will pout and cry and lock myself in my house until I figure out how to not be so selfish.
   I just wanted to do a good thing. I wanted to be apart of something grand, even on a small scale.  I didn't realize I was making it about myself and my journey. So the name will change, but I will continue writing, and hopefully inspiring..someone out there.
So do any of you have any ideas for a new name for the group?

My life as a fat girl part 2. (The revolution)

It's like I woke up in a dream....  

    I was so so guilty... Guilty of more things than I can count, but mostly I was guilty of standing by idly.  I was just waiting around hoping one day my fat would just melt away and someone would come and tell me everything I needed to do.  Of course that day never happened.

    I started walking 3 miles with a 900 ft elevation every weekday with a neighbor, and we were both seeing results with just that little exercise. My befores and afters were amazing (at least in my eyes).  So, my friends(I'd like to say in a trance of inspiration lol) got together at a park one day. Unfortunately for me I wouldn't make it in time to that park, so after pouting they agreed to meet at the one closer to my house(I'm beyond grateful)!  We had done a hike before and it wasn't the most organized event so I told the girls I would make a group page so we could keep track of times and dates and things.

    I don't know what I expected to come of this page..... I had never oversaw anything before and I wasn't sure Id be very good at it. Right now we have 36 members(my personal friends).  I decided to keep it a private page to protect them from getting bashed by random hateful people. We have absolutely no tolerance for bullying of any sort, and so far the page (in my eyes anyway) is a huge success!

    We get together three times a week after dropping our kids off for school, but of course if you have little ones they are ALWAYS welcomed. My friend(who I view as a literal Godsend) prints out a work out for the week and she includes different levels so everyone is at just the right level of uncomfortable. I feel I should add, none of us are trainers or nutritionist. This is just a group of normal wives SAHM and working moms.  In the past month I have watched people I care for get motivated and start moving. These woman mean business, and I will do what I can to keep them headed in the right direction.         This is a revolution!!!! You don't need a babysitter, you don't need a fancy gym...All you need is a little time! And how amazing is it that your children get to watch what a healthy lifestyle looks like. You are their super hero so start acting like it! Get up and start the revolution where you are from. All you need is the time and the place. Take an hour out of the day for yourself.

There's always later, but tomorrow may never come. 

My life as a fat girl

         I've spent the past four years of my life being a "fat girl".I guess I woke up one day and said I had enough.  Well I wouldn't go as far as to say "one day" per say, but many humiliating days. One day that stands out is the day I wore chucks instead of flats, and I had to bend down to retie them.. I remember having to put my leg up on my knee after a failed attempt to reach my feet without being out of breath from my pants smashing me. It was awful and I knew everyone saw.  

       Not to long before that I met a girl that was a beach body coach. She was thin and beautiful and I remember thinking," what does this  girl know about fitness struggles". It wasn't like me to talk to thin girls about my weight, but for some reason this girl stood out to me. I sent her a message on fb and poured me clogged heart out. I didn't know what I expected to hear back, but I knew I needed help, and I was willing to try anything.

         She Messaged me back and told me about a fitness challenge she was hosting. I was excited, but I think I had no idea how out of shape and unprepared I was. The challenge group started, and I had no idea what I was doing. I had never learned to ask questions or ask for help and I stood idly by. She would check on me and sometimes, and I'd lie and say I was fine when I was falling apart, but she never gave up on me. Sometimes an entire week would go by and I wouldn't workout at all. I was one of those people who would say oh ill start again next monday, and that turned into I'll start again next month because I messed this one all up. 

          I had my friend take an after picture of me. I was going to post it on the page only to humiliate myself or maybe shame myself into trying harder next time. I figured everyone seeing how lazy I was would jump start me into trying harder. this was the before and after I posted to my challenge group. When I saw it my jaw dropped and I was in complete disbelief. I couldn't believe how much results I got with such little effort. Still when I look at this picture I tear up a little. When I saw this picture I had some sort of epiphany. I thought geese what would I look like if I would have REALLY tried in that 60 days?!? I asked her if I could join her next challenge group and she said, "yes".

            I was asked again to write my goals out and I set them so low, because a part of me thought I would quit. I started the challenge at about 220lbs.( the heaviest I had ever been) I now weigh about 205lbs. My one week goal was to not quit, and I didn't even slow down!

  I came across a picture of me during GI jane day....I looked huge, and I was so delusional that when
I saw my friend(pictured here) I thought oh we are about the same size!!! What? I swear I was NOT high haha.The after picture was just goofing around at the park. I weigh about the same in both pictures, but the difference is my health and fitness level.( and of course body fat) I did a professional body fat analysis and i had...wait for it....36% body fat(obese) I'm 5"5" and I was 220lbs. I knew I had to change and not look back.

          I tried crossfit(before my beachbody challenge) and became obsessed. I loved it so much, but at about $200 a month it was killing us financially and it was almost impossible with two very young children, and with my husband being in the military his fitness became more important then mine. I had to quit so he could get into better shape. Thats when I reached out to M******. She helped save my life.  I'm still in a challenge group. Still going strong, and still not giving up. I'm doing ChaLEAN extreme, T25, and walking 3 miles(at least) 4-7 days a week. 

This was me before all this "fat" nonsense came about. I struggled with anorexia for most of my life, but I didn't care..I would say,"I rather die skinny then live fat". It was an awful existence, and after a while I forgot what hunger even felt like.I still do unintentionally struggle, but when I feel like I "can't" eat I have a shakeology it has helped me so much. I'm not sure I ever even want to be that skinny girl again. I want to be the best most fit girl I can be. I have no clue what is at the end of this road, but I'm having one hell of a fun journey on the way.

Getting over fitness fears

So I think I should start out by saying, at one time in my life I was a graceful dancer and after that had military training. That being said it has been sometime since I worked out consistently. I had my second child in February and I set my fitness goals low to make sure I actually did them.  I didn't want to set some crazy goal saying I was going to lose 50lbs in a month or something.

Before I had Frankie I was 125lbs and the day of labor I was 200lbs and when I left the hospital I was still 200lbs exactly until I was about 6 months pregnant with Delilah. I got up to 220lbs with her. I am now 185-190 lbs( i have been going up and down). See my problem is not maintaining, I'm actually very good at that my problem is losing the weight.  It probably doesn't help that I have no clue what those crazy machines do or how to use weights or how to breath when i run.  I spent most of my life a dancer. and for other dancers you know you don't feel like you are exercising you just go to practice and do your thing. Exercise is so new to me!

I have been walking a lot more since moving to Hawai'i and have recently been going to the gym more. I have had the same fear lots of girls have when going in the gym. What am I doing? and who is going to laugh at me and think I'm weird while doing it?  But you know what people I'm here to tell you, no one cares, be able to laugh at yourself and other people will laugh with you instead of at you. Example: lol last night at the gym I got on a machine it had crazy bars and a freaking seat belt haha well i got on it straped myself in and laughed my butt off as I read the instructions aloud to my friends on the surrounding machines none of us knew how this thing worked. So I tried my best to do what the little guy in the diagram told me and oh man was I wrong. One of the people working out around us saw me shockingly not upside down in this torture device haha but he came over and gave me instruction.and i got it down for the most part.

I used to be oh so serious I only wanted to do things if I did them perfect and I didn't even want to try if I had no idea what I was doing or if there was a chance of failure. That attitude set me back in dance and in life. I have since learned to laugh and just be silly.  I think it is helping me to be a better mom and friend and person in general. I love life and love learning and trying new things. It's awesome!

I am also going to be trying a new thing and getting over my fear of running in daylight in a 5k no less it's only 3.1 miles or whatever but for me it is a huge step and also one of my fitness goals for this year. My husband thinks I'm crazy and I wont get up in the morning, but you know what I have to do it for me and maybe even for the babies even tho they are too young to know I want to set an example of putting your mind and body to doing things you set out to do. I'm just so excited for all this good change. the 5k is sep 22,2012 and I will post pictures and whatnot. So what do you say get up and get outside today or to the gym or just change one lil thing like taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

5k training

"I love those first steps" those first ones out of the house when you first put in your head phones, and you can hear your heart beat. The music starts and I'm off. Up that first big hill. Take a big breath and do my funny. Blowing out face wih chippy monkey cheeks. The hard part is over. Just have to keep going. Then bing that voice says keep going.

I get a chance to have some time alone just me and this great world. I get to really look at what's going on around me see how beautiful the world is in the morning. My music on I see the cute dogs down the street but can't hear them it makes everything wonderful.

I can feel my love handles burning and all I can think when I think about stopping is it is worth every pain! I am not a quitter I know this will be a long road and I'm looking forward to running it as fast as I can.