Food Journal

My Doctor is concerned with how much and what I eat. He asked me to make a food journal...  Now I don't know how this is going to end up but my maw maw says that it helps so I'm going to try it out.

January 13, 2014- 
10oz Green tea with 1/2 tbs stevia
1/2 and everything bagel- cream cheese
4 shrimps- lemon juice, garlic
1/4 cup white rice
1/2 an organic burger-kale, lemon juice, tomato, onion
1 cup grilled green beans
2 cups Spaghetti- 1 hot sausage link, organic sauce(no sugar) homemade
1 small garlic bread
1 cup frozen yogurt 15g sugar
January 14, 2014
10oz green tea- 1tbs stevia, lemon
2 eggs
1 toast- organic strawberry jam
Local tuna sandwich- mango, strawberry, papaya
1 small sprite
10oz green tea- 1tbs stevia
1 chili watermelon sucker
Lasagna- homemade organic sauce(no salt or sugar added) cottage cheese, hot Italian ground sausage, mozzarella, spinach
Bite size chocolate candy
10oz green tea- 1 tbs stevia
January 15, 2014
Hike up lighthouse(jogged part way up and all the way down), 50 squats,t25 alpha cardio
10oz Green tea- 1 tbs stevia, lemon
1 egg white mcmuffin with ham
1 hashbrown
Peppered beef jerky
gummy savers
banana
100oz water
January 16, 2014
T25 speed 1.0, 55 squats
Green smoothie-8oz green naked, frozen fruit mix, water
2 small slices of cheese pizza
5 bites of cake
10oz water
8oz vodka 16oz sprite
January 17, 2014
T25 total body circuit, 60 squats
banana
1/2 big mac and a small fry
1/2 sprite med
Lasagna- homemade organic sauce(no salt or sugar added) cottage cheese, hot Italian ground sausage, mozzarella, spinach
Salad
1 slice whole wheat bread- unsalted butter
20oz water
2 tiny wrap pieces(quarter size)
1 caprisun
January 18, 2014
Leg press 340lbs, 30 min treadmill, 30 min elliptical, 15 min sauna,monkey bars, t25 total body circuit. 
2 slices of french toast- whole wheat bread, no high fructose corn syrup syrup
60oz water
Sandwich- 2 slices whole wheat bread, provolone cheese, 1 slice turkey, 1 slice chicken, 4 slices pepperoni, 1 tbs mayo,1/2 tbs spicy mustard
6 baby carrots
24oz water
1 fillet fish- lemon pepper
green beans- garlic, red chiliflakes
3 oz salsa
10 tortilla chips
January 21,2014 
20oz water
8oz pump hd
8 oz protein shake
January 22,2014
10oz water
8oz green naked
tuna salad-salsa, mixed greens, feta, 3 tortilla chips
January 23, 2014
Hot pocket
10oz green tea
fried rice
chowmein
January 24,2014
preworkout
hot pocket
1/4 cup salsa
scoops chips
88oz water
january 25, 2014
arms
preworkout
protein shake
beef jerky
slice of pizza
green tea 16oz
100oz water
january 26.2014
elliptical, bike
bike
green mac and cheese
mini banana muffin
ham and cheese sandwich
40oz water
january 27,2014
preworkout 
protein shake
eggs-salsa, potatoes,sausage
mini muffin
green mac and cheese
bread with unsalted butter
january 28,2014
hot pocket
chili sucker
40oz water
january 29,2014
string cheese
orange
ham and cheese sandwich
60 oz water
january 30,2014
preworkout
t25
2 waffles
fruit
ham and cheese sandwich
grapes
chicken(baked)
green beans
40oz water

My 4 year old son called me fat!

    You go through life being pretty thin. You made it through high school without getting pregnant. Then the moment comes...You get shammered on your 21st birthday and boom nine months later you are no longer a size four.  No, now you're 75lbs heavier! The up side is you have this beautiful baby and it all seems worth it. There's hope of losing the weight, but reality kicks in, and you're a single mom working and going to school, and you can't find time to get to the gym even if you could afford it.  So fast forward four years.  You are finally figuring out how to use things like tapioca flour. You might even know what to do with an eggplant, but nothing will prepare you for the day it happens.
    I decided to take a shower before the kids got up.  I couldn't remember the last time I had a chance to wash my hair so it seemed as good a time as any.  I got out and of course I forgot to grab a towel I opened my door to get one out of the hall and saw my four year old son was awake. I said come on baby and he followed me to help make my bed.(he loves being helpful)  I dried myself, and he looks at me and says," You're really fat"!  These words crushed me. I stood there covering myself in a giant beach towel. I am indeed "FAT", but I wasn't ready for him to be the one to tell me.
    The next part wasn't my finest hour but I was somewhat in shock.  I looked at him and said,"what did you say"?!? "you're really fat", he mumbled. I said again,"come closer what did you say"? "you're really fat", he said, this time with shame and fear in his eyes.  He knew he said something bad. I told him not to ever call people fat!
    No I know Lword will just get a kick out of me writing this, but I'm not sure what to do.  Do I go on acting like I'm unaware of my obesity?  The point of "my life as a fat girl" was to take the shame out of the word fat, but it is still a bad word. It's okay to be able to say, "yes this is my life as a fat girl, so I don't need you to say this is your life as a fat girl". Make sense?
    I guess most people would blow this off and go on, but I do feel really hurt.  I also feel I have failed my child. It is a hard concept to understand at four years old, that it is not okay to call someone fat, but it's okay for me to refer to myself that way.  Since starting my life as a fat girl I have felt better about myself I have been more accountable, and have been working out much more.  So what is a fat mom to do? I feel like I have lost all this excess but now I'm left with this skin hanging around my midsection.  I just can't seem to win.  Lword doesn't use the "F"(fat) word around her kids, and I'm beginning to think I need to head in that same direction, but the damage is done so would it really help any to stop now? I didn't even think I used it around them.
    UGh I feel, not happy right now! Have your kids ever called you fat?

My birthday secret

    So I wrote a little about watching your weight during the holidays, and I know not everyone's birthday is during or right after holidays like mine is.  Every few years my birthday lands on superbowl Sunday, and that would be fine for football fans, but I'm no football fan and every few years of my life no one would show up for my party.  When I got older I would end up just going to superbowl parties, but with that comes A LOT of snacks that will go straight to your ass so be careful during the last holiday (superbowl sunday).

I think I started resenting my birthday long before I understood super bowl though.. I was raised by my grandparents and every year my mom would promise she was coming and I would wait on my porch for hours.  They would try and bring me in to hang out with friends and family but I waited until it was dark.  I guess it hurt so bad because the one person in the world I thought should be there couldn't find the time to see me.  As I got older I kind of obsessed about making it perfect and every year I'd cry and nothing was EVER good enough.
    This year I'm changing things up.  I expect nothing. I usually use my birthday to get my way.  Example: my husband won't ever go ice skating so I might use my birthday as an excuse to guilt him into doing it with me.  My husband is an amazing sport and always gives in to what I want.  I talk a lot of crap and I'm sure, no positive my friends think I'm some sort of diva birthday monster, but the truth is...This year is different.  
    I went on and on about how I want to go camping, and I knew no one except K-cups would come with me so I jokingly tried to use my birthday as an excuse to get all my best girlfriends together to come have a good time hiking and sitting by a fire shooting the shit with me.  I really don't like my birthday, but none of them know that.  It's coming up and at first I was stressed that I would plan something and people wouldn't show up, so I have dropped it and 100% let go. I have no expectations or plans.  I mentioned(possibly many times) that I wanted to go camping and so many of the girls were like omg Bonnie I hate the beautiful outdoors I hate tents and stars and getting out of the house. lol So I gave up, and honestly now that I'm not having a party I feel free!
    I felt so bad guilting them into it when all I REALLY wanted was to be surrounded by people I love.  I only want people to come camping with me because they think it would be fun and will actually try and enjoy themselves.  By trying to force them to come I was only setting myself up for inevitable failure because I'd have a bunch of miserable women on my hands and that sucks.
    Maybe it's the new trying to be more active Bonnie wanting to get out of the normal eating cake or going out drinking.

    My husband just interrupted my typing to ask if I knew I had a package from my grandma. I just opened it and at the bottom was a photo album.  Before I pulled it out I burst into tears! It was pictures of me growing up, and it couldn't have come at a better time.
    For my first birthday family and friends got together and took me camping.  Maybe that's where my love of camping started.  Some of the pictures are of my grandpa who in my eyes is the greatest man who ever lived!  And this makes me want to go camping even more because I live in Hawaii and I know if my grandpa was still with us he would go in a second!  But I don't want anyone to be guilted into it I want to have pictures like the ones of my first birthday. I want smiling family and friends. I want memories that will last forever. Birthday or no birthday I want to live my life to the absolute fullest and even if it's just me and K-cups I know I will cherish it forever . So here's to friends, family, and fun.  I feel free now that I finally
realized fun isn't forced.
    I have no clue if my friends are planning anything(truly for once I have not snooped or asked questions) I'm sure they would take me out for a girls night because I'm a lush, but that isn't at all what I would want. I want to be surrounded by people who genuinely are happy to be my friend. I don't want a party I want no financial burdens on anyone.  The most perfect birthday I ever had was my first birthday in a tent surrounded by the people who love me most.   No cake no frills just good friends.  So I apologize now for being such a brat because I prayed on it and all I want is your friendship.
 

I will be planning a camping trip and if no one comes that's okay cuz I don't want anyone bringing down our fun.

Facebook friends?

    Would you be friends with someone who wouldn't be your facebook friend?  It's kind of a comical question, but really...Could you, would you?  So It started because I had a friend a lifetime ago who would delete people if you weren't active on his page at least once a week.  I thought this was insane, but I'm finding out more and more that a lot of my friends have strange sets of rules for how they pick who stays and who goes out of their facebook friends.
    So I've heard things like, "oh well I don't take it that serious, but I guess it's serious business for you".  It's really quite the opposite.  I keep people because I don't take it seriously, but I feel when you weed through people you actually know it has become more serious to you. I have been called picky when it comes to accepting original request, so I guess I do a good job of screening in the first place so I don't need to delete people weekly.
    I do get offended when a person I thought had no hard feelings against me deletes me.  For me it makes it hard to see them around..Are we friends?  I'm not confrontational so I don't wanna just be like hey wtf, what did I do? Why would I be friends with someone who wont even be my facebook friend?        I enjoy watching how my friends are doing even if I don't say anything, and I know they enjoy following me even if they say nothing.  I'm the kind of person who could go 5 years without speaking to you then pick up where we left off like nothing.
      I guess if I offend you or you decide you just aren't compatible with me then that's fine, but that means we are not friends and we don't wish to have any kind of friendship.  I'm such an open book, I have little to no secrets, and I don't take my facebook seriously.  I use it to keep family and friends updated on my life and to keep updated on their lives. I am an Army wife so I will never be close to home, so for me to delete people that aren't actively involved in my life would be crazy.  haha maybe I'm a hoarder of friends. I keep with them them all!   So tell me, If you thought you were real life friends with someone and they deleted you on fb would you still think you were friends like before? Would your opinion change?  When someone deletes me it's like my friend is having a birthday party and not inviting me and I didn't do anything wrong.
    Like I said I understand if you will never ever talk to them or have no desire to talk to them, or maybe you aren't like me and you add people the second you meet then you later realize they weren't the awesome friend you thought they were gonna be. I get that, but deleting  people you have history with, I don't get that... What do you think? Is your fb fort knox?  Do you go on random deleting sprees, getting rid of anyone who didn't wish you a happy birthday? I wanna know.. comment below

My life as a fat girl: Elliptical workout

 

  Sometimes being shamed into fitness is amazing and other times it wears you down.    I'm a protectionist by nature.  I stress out and I obsess when I can't do something great!  When I do the park workouts I'm always stressed out about what the workout might consist of.  My upper body strength has a lot to be desired, but I try.  I can see how to an on looker it might seem like I'm not trying, but that thing they are seeing is a girl who is feeling defeated.  When something like push-ups is on the schedule I give up before I start.  I feel so dumb because I have never in my life been able to do a push up, and everyone around me is pumping them out.  If its abs, psht all day long I can literally do sit-ups for 30 min straight, and squats all day long..You ask me to do one pull up, yeah that's not gonna happen.  Today I did the park workout and my own gym workout.
    Today I went to "the girls gym".  It was my first time in there other then to take classes, and it was a really nice place.  Its was a little over whelming that the weight room in the girls gym was filled with a bunch of meat head dudes...-_- not cool....  So I decided to do the elliptical, and being a fat girl sometimes I feel a little lost in the gym so instead of wondering around I decided to do a full workout only using the elliptical. Don't ask me how I come up with this stuff, it just comes to me as I go.  I went so so so hard. haha I really did push really hard.  I did an hour in total on interval.  I will be posting a video of all the different moves so it is a little easier to understand. oh yeah ps I've lost 5 pounds!!! omg so excited!!!

Repeat until hour is up!!!Do normal 5 min cool down at end.

1 song-Elliptical squats

(you just hold on to the inner bars and squat down. I do up 8 count down 8 count)

1 song- Crisscross death punch

(You turn your feet sideways to the left and turn body to the left, then hold onto inner bars with you right hand"inside hand" and put your outer hand on the moving arm then step hand with the inside foot while crossing over your body with the moving arm repeat on other side)This works your obliques the motion will have you kind of doing a standing side crunch 

1 song- Rock out

(stay on beat to whatever the song is)

1 song- Figure eights

(with every step move hips in figure 8 motion) 

1 song- Oblique punches
(place hands on top of the moving arms and use your arms only to power the machine it will give you resistance in your arms and work your obliques)

My life as a fat girl: Holidays

  I'm not much for holidays at all, but I do have many girlfriends who love them.  I grew up in a half practicing Jewish family so we did have a tree but we called it a Hanukkah bush.  I do have fond memories of decorating the tree but we never had a Christmas dinner or anything we would all just meet up for Hanukkah and have dinner but nothing too unhealthy.
    As an Army wife I am around a ton of different kinds of people.  Most of them share the same opinion on our families Christmas traditions though.  We have dinner just like we always do and we wake up in the morning and open gifts.  We don't have a tree or any decorations just gifts that I saved up over the year.  I also do gifts a bit different than most families.  When my son does something amazing I get a gift, it can be big or small depending on budget, but I wrap it then I write a letter explaining why he is getting the gift. example: you haven't had any potty accidents in a month. I will go on about how happy and proud I am of him. Then on Christmas we read all the letters on what wonderful things happened in the year and open gifts that we can all be thankful for. Some people think it is cruel to do things this way, because when they are teens they might be bad as hell, but the way I look at it is if you got one gift then I guess you should try harder next year.
    Anyway, I have let myself get sidetracked...  The holidays are usually a very hard time for people health wise.  They binge on all the delish food on thanksgiving and Christmas.  Then when the new year comes around the gyms are littered with people and their new years resolutions.  I choose to stick with my holiday traditions and let things happen.  As a military family we don't have much money and I don't want my children to think we live some lavish life and start expecting things that we just cannot deliver.
    This year things will be a tiny bit different in that we are hosting a multifamily Thanksgiving.  Everyone is going to bring something and hopefully it can save everyone some money and bring our military families together, since most of us do not have the money or the leave time to go back to the mainland to be with family.  Being a foster child I know that blood has nothing to do with who your family is and I'm very happy to call all these ladies my family.
    I hope to feel better by then since I started birth control recently and have found myself being very depressed.  I haven't been showing up to my workout group, I stopped running and I just find it hard to get out of bed.  Sometimes I feel depressed to the point where I shouldn't be alone with my own thoughts.  I have only been on it for a month and I can see a huge change in myself, so my husband is going in to get snipped.  I think it will make a huge difference since I have a terrible fear of getting pregnant again and ending up 300lbs.  We have gone from a healthy intimate life to non-existent because of my fear.
    I know a lot of people get depressed during the holidays, but I really want to work hard to get out of this slump.  My grandma comes to visit in 60 days and I have been so off track she wont notice any difference in me if i keep this sloth like attitude up.  On a good note today I went to a birthday party for A's kids and I hated the cake(butter cream yuck) so I didn't eat it, all of it, shamefully in the bathroom like some closet fat girl.  Speaking of, I used to eat in my car so people wouldn't see me eating. I thought they would be thinking " why is she eating".  So, I have gone completely  off course, but the point of it is...don't let yourself get sidetracked in all the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Don't think you have to eat certain foods and do certain activities just because everyone else if doing it.  It's your life and your family so make your own traditions. Eat what you want and don't wait until January to start working out only to quit two weeks later.  Also, if you are hosting a holiday maybe try and make healthy alternatives to the norm.  Here in Hawaii we have purple sweet potatoes that i think are more sweet.  So instead of can candied yams I use the purple ones, and it's fun to eat purple food.  For mashed potatoes I use red potatoes, 2% milk instead of whole and try to let people add their own salt and butter.  Just a few little changes might help a twinge.  Do you guys have any tips on how to keep healthy during these delicious times?

Review of Sterns puddle jumper vest

    I live in Hawaii and we spend a lot of time in or near the water. My newly 4 year old son hated getting in the water past his knees. We tried to buy him a standard life jacket and he would scream and scream if you put him in the water. He was content playing in the sand just where the water started to come up.
    While at Target one day he saw the Sterns 3d shark puddle jumper vest and asked if we would get it for him. They retail for about $30.  He finally got to try it out at Lanikai Beach which is known for being very calm and perfect for kids and paddle boarding.  I put it on him and didn't have high expectations of him going into the water.  He seemed excited to have it on and I took him out to the water where he couldn't touch. Whats this, he isn't screaming? He got a little scared and started to say he wanted to go back to the sand. I let him go and said swim there. And would you believe it? He did it! He swam for the first time with this float vest on.I was beyond excited!  I will buy this vest for all my friends with small children. I really do love it and will tell everyone of our lil's success.
    He swam around all afternoon and I am so happy he has this new found confidence in the water. I'm just so happy we found this vest it has made all the difference in the world. Now my baby boy doesn't have to be scared of the water.