My life as a fat girl 8: Hike #3 Pillboxs

     We had the mountain people join us for this hike and they were a pleasure to have. 
     We mostly live in central oahu, and the good hikes are on the far side of the island.  So we decided it would be smartest to leave at 6am to make it there by 7am so it wasn't too hot.(cough cough like the light house hike blah) It is a beautiful drive across the island with little traffic on an early sunday morning.  When you get close there will be a golf course on the right and some dirt with a small trench on the side of the road.  This is the best place to park.  You will walk toward the gated community and turn left you will see the sign pictured.

B-Bitch 2.0 pictured on the left Bonnie(me)on the right

    So here we are all bright eyed and bushy tailed just excited to hike this thing, and catch the amazing views.  So the hike will be to the right of the sign.  There aren't many hikes(that I've been on anyway) that made me want to quit the second step in haha. Okay, so there will be a rope to the left...Don't be a tuff guy and not use it, it sucks! So you get up all that horrid stuff boom you feel impressed with yourself...Then... you think oh it's starting to ease up. WRONG! Then more up hill, like straight up. So you finally huff and puff to the first pill box.  The views are gorgeous, but even this fat girl wanted to see more.  You will pass this pillbox(bunker) and move on to the next.  The hike to the second one in comparison is an easy one.  So just walk around and take lots of pictures to send to jealous family on the mainland.  I'm going to count what we found as a third pillbox even though it was tiny.
    In between the second and third pillbox we decided to pull the surprize cupcake I had stashed for "L".  She was turned around while "b-bitch2.0" took her picture. We pretended to have camera malfunction and started singing her happy birthday. She was so surprised and the happy look on her face was worth the painful hike to the top.  We thought it would be funny to be a hungry mob.(since we are fat girls ;)  She had a few bites and we were on our way to the third pillbox.  We got there and it was much smaller but we were still excited to see it.  By this point I wasn't huffing and puffing over every ridge.
   After the third pillbox stuff started to get real.... Well, let me explain. There was nothing really left to see, so we had to choose, go forward and have to find the car through the city or just turn around and go back the way we came.  The group( I had no hand in this haha) choose to move forward.  At first it didn't seem so bad and we we even having fun. We came across an older man and asked him how far the start of the hike(ie our car) was from the end point. He said about a mile but warned us that it gets extremely treacherous at the end.  My grandmas voice ringing in my ears I said lets just turn around, but onward we went.
    The huffing and puffing started again as the incline started to get steeper.  We stopped a few times, but for the most part just went for it.  I was in the front of the pack(by default not by skill).  The last ridge is pretty nuts you will need to use your hands to help you up on some parts. we got to the top. That picture is me being so proud of myself I almost cried, but I held it together cuz ya know...I got a rep =). oh yeah, see that drop off behind me?  Have you guessed how to get down to the ground yet? Well, first I will tell you we gained 1,362 ft and the highest ridge was a 689ft gain from one to another.  Look, I am not at all scared of heights but we had a long way down.
   

    So, I was the first one to start headed down this beast.  I took a few steps and fell.  I caught myself by grabbing a tree.  I was too scared to be the leader of the pack on this one, so B-bitch 2.0 took the lead taking a few steps and sliding down past me. "L's" giant water jug barreling past her. I felt helpless to help her as I held on to the tree.  It was one of those moments you just want to close your eyes and wake up I didn't want to go back I didn't want to go forward.  I looked around, still holding onto the tree, and thru the bushes I saw a path to the left I made my way through and saw it was slightly easier. I tarzaned my way from tree to tree slipping and sliding the whole way down. the "easy" path will cross the hard one going to the right, TAKE IT! We made it almost all the way down when I lost my footing and slid I had a hold of a small tree and that's all that saved me from possibly hurting myself worse.

This is the end. I was fighting back tears for the picture.

I fell and landed on the side of the very narrow path hitting my ankle on a rock.  I stopped there somewhat in shock and pain.  I continued on even though the pain was awful.  I knew it wasn't broken and I figured I was being a baby.  We only had about 300ft to the bottom, and I took my time the rest of the way down. With tears pouring down my face, I was hot and in pain and just wanted it to be over.  I heard the voices of the girls who had finished and I felt over joyed. It was over... And as all the other times I felt so proud of all of us, we did it! Who knew what a couple of fat girls could do? We always head to the beach after our hikes and this is one of my favorites. It was a pretty great day.

My life as a fat girl VII: Changing thinking

    I spent the first 21 years of my life having people ask me if I was anorexic. I was always so skinny, I couldn't help it.  But on my 21st birthday I had a little too much fun and got pregnant by my now husband. My doctors were concerned about my eating habits since I did have an eating disorder for so long, so they asked me to keep a food journal.  I tried to be honest and I also tried my best to eat more and be as healthy as possible. I ended up gaining 75lbs which didn't help me with my fear of food. When I walked into the hospital in Oct. 2009 I weighed 200lbs I had an 8lb 6oz baby and left weighing 200lbs. Fast forward to Fathers day 2011 I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I weighed 200lbs, and I went full term and gained 13lbs. I successfully breastfed for 14 months and lost the weight I had gained.
    I had been sitting at 200lbs until I actually started trying to loose weight and I gained 20lbs putting me at an all time high.  I felt defeated and depressed.  I couldn't leave my house, and even if I wanted to nothing really fit.  I ended up loosing 15 lbs pretty fast but have now been sitting at 205lbs.  It seems like no matter what I do i just can't get under 200. I have been running more and I work out 3 days a week (it was 6 but with scheduling issues it has been hard).  I will never stop trying but I feel like I'm running in circle but not getting anywhere.
    I am this "weird" size where I'm too big for "normal" stores but too small for plus size stores.  I started teaching myself to sew because I just couldn't find clothes that fit me.  I dream of the day I walk into my favorite tj maxx and I try on my previous size 20 and have it not fit, so I go back and get a smaller size until I'm in a normal size.

    What the hell is "normal" anyway?  I have spent my entire life obsessed with my size and weight, nothing was or has been good enough for me. Even now with having success. It makes no difference to me if I am fat or skinny because I will always look in the mirror and find a flaw.  The best thing I can do is try and celebrate every success, and not forget how far I have come. When I do forget I can look back at the before picture.
    I do not use any formal diet, I don't go to the gym, and I don't take any pills or supplements other then shakeology.  I never learned how to eat healthy or exercise, so you will be following me from baby steps to running marathons.  I think a part of me is scared to lose weight, or maybe I'm scared to try and fail.  The next two weeks I'm going to bust my butt no matter how tired I am or how perky "L" is. I'm going to do the damn thing. My goal is to lose 6 lbs in two weeks putting me at 199. I haven't been under 200 in 4 years so this will be a huge deal if I'm successful. Wish me luck, and please do not lead me into temptation.

My life as a fat girl part VI: Meet the girls

    We all have a little competitor in us.. I remember the first day I met one of my best friends "Gumbie".  She came into the dance class and we all turned around to look at her.  She stood there in a gymnastics leo and we all giggled. She looked at her mom like really -_- you told me this is what they wear! ha-ha. She came and followed along.. I remember I busted my buns wanting to show her I was not going to be beat. I stretched further and leaped higher than any other day of practice.  Well I found out the hard way she's some double jointed stretchy freak of nature and was not to be messed with in the flexibility department. We are great friends now, but I have always loved a good competition.

Meet the girls

    Bonnie Belair- but you know me.I guess I got the name because I never give up on people(ya now some bonnie and clyde shit) and belair because i have some serious trunk space haha.  I'm not sure what my friend personality is, but I'm here the listener the constant talker..That girl with no filter that you can't bring around your sensitive friends.opps...I'm just me.. A girl trying to figure out how to be a grown up..A healthy grown up.

    My friend "A"- aka the non gay soft ball player haha grew up playing softball just like me, but the difference is she picked it back up and I am too much of a fraidy cat to try again and fail. We both started running together and both failed in the beginning. We have both been running at different times with different people, and have friendly competition with one another. I know at this point she can beat me but I'm always joking around saying,"as long as I beat A".
    "The beast" this girl is a sleeper! She motivates me beyond words. She came out of nowhere, I'm really not even sure who told her about the group but I am so happy to have her with us. I ran with her last night and she helped to push me to my 2 mile straight goal. I am working to running 7 miles straight with her for a race coming up. I know it is gonna be some serious work, but I hope to be ready in time. I will be running everyday, just about, to prepare.
    "L" aka pep pep hooray- Do you have that friend who wakes up with what seems to be sunshine in their eyes and a rainbow coming from their complexions? yeah to say the least she wakes up on the right side of the bed, at least every morning I've seen her. I walk up to our workout group and there she is with a huge smile cheering me on as I force myself to run to the other side of the playground.  But what would I do without her? Her positivity has helped
me become a tolerable person.  
    "The womb"-This girl has 4 kids, no wonder shes fearless!  She recently jumped off a 50 foot cliff and broke her tailbone, but is still going strong.  She was once a recluse but after four hours on the phone with me one day she has come out and been an amazing part of the group. She is crazy and will always be the one to get me to jump off things.I'm terrified for what she makes me do next haha
    "My belle"(get the beatles reference?) She lives in the mountains so she never makes it to the group for fear of setting off her 1950's style alarm system.  But she makes it to the hikes and we have fun fun fun me loves her(in a non lesbianotic way)

    "B-bitch 2.0"  aka skinny bitch shes that friend that makes you wanna pass on fries so technically keeping her around is good for my calorie count. Except we both have a gross obsession with panda express. AHHHH it will be the slow delicious death of us. she always smiles and never gives up. To my knowledge she is the only one who can do a pull up..(that bitch) and she is down for anything at the drop of a hat. me loves my skinny bitch. Oh did I mention she weighs a 75 lbs less then me and we have 2 kids the same age. -_- yeah once i got over the that.. haha i totally should have tried harder we could be sharing clothes about now. damn i wanna squeeze into those lace shorts.
    "ms.showers"  I got her pregnant(but thats another story for another time) so she has to take it easy, but she hasn't quit. I so happy for her even though I know she must be terrified to gain more weight, but we will not let her fail. Her sneaking me slurpies mmmmmm i should hate her but how can I haha.
    "the veteran" she is tuff and I don't feel she gives herself enough credit. I love her but our friendship is a toxic one(shes a baker ;) she has been out of commision because of a hurt ankle.
    Derby princess-  She is a tuff cookie with a gooey inside. Don't let her looks full you, this girl will be the first to give you a hand. She is too hard on herself but I look forward to the day she looks in the mirror and sees her hard work is really paying off. I will never give up on her. haha but who knows maybe she doesn't wanna lose weight cuz she knows I'd give her all my clothes. But dispite a giant list of injuries she is still trucking. ( that is when she wakes up on time ;)

Side note: these are not any nick names I call them..for some reason this is what came to mind. More will be added and some will be edited. Sorry if any offense was taken

Muffin top workout

10 side bends(each side)

10 weighted twists

10 bow extension with knee lift( each side)

10 "fire hydrants" (each side)

20 second side plank lifts x2 each side

10 seated can can

My life as a fat girl part 5: still seeing a fat girl

    I am incredibly hard on myself, but I know I can't be alone.  If my life was a comic the scale would be my enemy. I have gone through this process weighing myself as little as possible, and taking pictures often.This is me... A self proclaimed "fat girl". I have come so far but I feel my negative view of myself is one day going to get the better of me. "My life as a fat girl" is doing great things. People are getting up and out and it is showing all of us that we don't need anything fancy to get in shape. Today my friend C and I ran around the play ground like a bunch of kids doing jumping jacks and climbing over and under things. I did a toes to bar for the first time today, just for fun today! I tried that a few months ago and it was nothing short of comedy.I can assure you.

   As I sat here uploading these two pictures...I had this over whelming sense of confusion. I wish I saw what everyone else sees in me. I have gone down 6 whole sizes ( from a 20W to a 14) but I still feel fat.  I still look in the mirror and pull and poke at myself. I don't want to be this person, but I don't know how to stop. Sometimes I randomly burst into tears thinking about the day I walk into a "normal" girl store and fit into the clothes.  But the truth is I'm not even sure what size those stores sell anymore, and I'm terrified to go shopping, and have nothing fit.  So I'm waiting on the day I run out of clothes that fit, and  it may take a while because I've been hoarding clothes this whole time.  Getting rid of nothing, and holding onto some dream that one day they might fit again. Have you been in my shoes? How can I be so much smaller but in my eyes I look the same? Everyday I feel like I haven't tried hard enough.

    Losing weight is an incredibly hard journey. It's one that in my younger years I never thought I would have to go through, but here I am.  I refuse to stop trying, because I know even if I don't see any changes at least I can live with myself knowing I tried.  I use to hear people talk about fat girls that would get thin or in shape, what have you, and they would say oh they are so nice because they don't know they're beautiful now. I tell people I was a very mean person..I was suck up and vain, and was just a bully. I sometimes feel I needed to gain all this weight to figure out who I really am. I have met so many amazing women, and I know that my closed off clicky self would never have gotten the chance to get close to them before. I still have no clue what my purpose in life is, so I will stick to five year old Bonnie's dream "I  just want to make the world smile"! 

My life as a fat girl part 4: Running, am I really supposed to like this?

    Ok, so I couldn't run even in my best shape. I remember in high school I would struggle to finish my mile. So when I gained 75 lbs I thought it was impossible to start running and actually get somewhere. My first goal was to run a mile straight..Well, I crushed it! I ran a mile and then did insanity, it was freaking crazy! I ran my fat girl butt off. I set my mind to it and didn't stop. When I got to the end I had a huge smile on my face. I must have looked insane, but it didn't matter to me. In that moment I ran a freaking marathon and won! It was an amazing feeling, I wasn't even winded.
    Last night my friend A invited me to go to the track with her.  I'm not sure if she had any intentions to run, but I felt highly motivated so I suggested we try. We ran 2 and a half miles with a few walking breaks. We would have gone further but they turned off the lights, and we weren't trying to get set on fire so we sprinted back to the car. We did awesome, we weren't winded or laying on the ground in agony and my legs feel fine. Here's the trick... I start slow barely picking my feet up off the ground just really getting the jogging motion, then just keep going.. It's as simple as that. I tried couch to 5k and although I think it is an amazing app it just wasn't for me. I hated the loud pinging in my ear and I found myself trying to run to fast for my level.
    My goals are simple...I just want to be better then last time. What are your goals, big, small, anything? My next goal is to run 2 and a half miles straight. I think I'm getting the hang of this running thing.

My life as a fat girl part 3: Backlash

    A fashion show isn't just...a designer, it's models and hair and make-up and stage hands and a group working together to make a beautiful thing.  I'm not sure when I even started this journey.  It all seems to be this blurr...At some point I decided I was going to get healthy, and I hoped someone would be on board.
   I signed up for a fitness challenge and met a girl who happens to be my neighbor. She was the perfect partner. We would walk together every morning, and somehow I started to get in better shape. I was hooked!  One of my friends L. Said she wouldn't mind printing out workouts and we would meet up and do them together, but if you read part 2 you know this already.  I created a private page stemmed from my personal fb and called it "my life as a fat girl". I had no clue what I was doing, but it felt good to have all my friends in one place working out and inspiring one another.  I come to a point in time now(probably because shark week) that I stand divided. My heart hurts and I want to abandon everything!
    I have never been "special" I have always been this bland girl searching and striving to be something spectacular! I guess I always referred to it as my group, but I do want them to know I wouldn't have gotten off my butt most days without them, so this is very much OUR group.  I thought I was running things smoothly, but I feel I should make an open page so anyone can join and get their fitness on.  They don't know yet, but I will be taking a poll to change the name of the group. I don't want a face to it...I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and have anyone feel the way I felt(just stage left, damn bee 13 in the elementary school play) There really is no way to make all 33 people an admin or to make each and everyone feel special.  I felt like I was including everyone, but no woman will be left behind in this group(that is if she wants the hand). So I think maybe just for today, I hope not all week, I will pout and cry and lock myself in my house until I figure out how to not be so selfish.
   I just wanted to do a good thing. I wanted to be apart of something grand, even on a small scale.  I didn't realize I was making it about myself and my journey. So the name will change, but I will continue writing, and hopefully inspiring..someone out there.
So do any of you have any ideas for a new name for the group?