My life as a fat girl VII: Changing thinking

    I spent the first 21 years of my life having people ask me if I was anorexic. I was always so skinny, I couldn't help it.  But on my 21st birthday I had a little too much fun and got pregnant by my now husband. My doctors were concerned about my eating habits since I did have an eating disorder for so long, so they asked me to keep a food journal.  I tried to be honest and I also tried my best to eat more and be as healthy as possible. I ended up gaining 75lbs which didn't help me with my fear of food. When I walked into the hospital in Oct. 2009 I weighed 200lbs I had an 8lb 6oz baby and left weighing 200lbs. Fast forward to Fathers day 2011 I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I weighed 200lbs, and I went full term and gained 13lbs. I successfully breastfed for 14 months and lost the weight I had gained.
    I had been sitting at 200lbs until I actually started trying to loose weight and I gained 20lbs putting me at an all time high.  I felt defeated and depressed.  I couldn't leave my house, and even if I wanted to nothing really fit.  I ended up loosing 15 lbs pretty fast but have now been sitting at 205lbs.  It seems like no matter what I do i just can't get under 200. I have been running more and I work out 3 days a week (it was 6 but with scheduling issues it has been hard).  I will never stop trying but I feel like I'm running in circle but not getting anywhere.
    I am this "weird" size where I'm too big for "normal" stores but too small for plus size stores.  I started teaching myself to sew because I just couldn't find clothes that fit me.  I dream of the day I walk into my favorite tj maxx and I try on my previous size 20 and have it not fit, so I go back and get a smaller size until I'm in a normal size.

    What the hell is "normal" anyway?  I have spent my entire life obsessed with my size and weight, nothing was or has been good enough for me. Even now with having success. It makes no difference to me if I am fat or skinny because I will always look in the mirror and find a flaw.  The best thing I can do is try and celebrate every success, and not forget how far I have come. When I do forget I can look back at the before picture.
    I do not use any formal diet, I don't go to the gym, and I don't take any pills or supplements other then shakeology.  I never learned how to eat healthy or exercise, so you will be following me from baby steps to running marathons.  I think a part of me is scared to lose weight, or maybe I'm scared to try and fail.  The next two weeks I'm going to bust my butt no matter how tired I am or how perky "L" is. I'm going to do the damn thing. My goal is to lose 6 lbs in two weeks putting me at 199. I haven't been under 200 in 4 years so this will be a huge deal if I'm successful. Wish me luck, and please do not lead me into temptation.