My 4 year old son called me fat!

    You go through life being pretty thin. You made it through high school without getting pregnant. Then the moment comes...You get shammered on your 21st birthday and boom nine months later you are no longer a size four.  No, now you're 75lbs heavier! The up side is you have this beautiful baby and it all seems worth it. There's hope of losing the weight, but reality kicks in, and you're a single mom working and going to school, and you can't find time to get to the gym even if you could afford it.  So fast forward four years.  You are finally figuring out how to use things like tapioca flour. You might even know what to do with an eggplant, but nothing will prepare you for the day it happens.
    I decided to take a shower before the kids got up.  I couldn't remember the last time I had a chance to wash my hair so it seemed as good a time as any.  I got out and of course I forgot to grab a towel I opened my door to get one out of the hall and saw my four year old son was awake. I said come on baby and he followed me to help make my bed.(he loves being helpful)  I dried myself, and he looks at me and says," You're really fat"!  These words crushed me. I stood there covering myself in a giant beach towel. I am indeed "FAT", but I wasn't ready for him to be the one to tell me.
    The next part wasn't my finest hour but I was somewhat in shock.  I looked at him and said,"what did you say"?!? "you're really fat", he mumbled. I said again,"come closer what did you say"? "you're really fat", he said, this time with shame and fear in his eyes.  He knew he said something bad. I told him not to ever call people fat!
    No I know Lword will just get a kick out of me writing this, but I'm not sure what to do.  Do I go on acting like I'm unaware of my obesity?  The point of "my life as a fat girl" was to take the shame out of the word fat, but it is still a bad word. It's okay to be able to say, "yes this is my life as a fat girl, so I don't need you to say this is your life as a fat girl". Make sense?
    I guess most people would blow this off and go on, but I do feel really hurt.  I also feel I have failed my child. It is a hard concept to understand at four years old, that it is not okay to call someone fat, but it's okay for me to refer to myself that way.  Since starting my life as a fat girl I have felt better about myself I have been more accountable, and have been working out much more.  So what is a fat mom to do? I feel like I have lost all this excess but now I'm left with this skin hanging around my midsection.  I just can't seem to win.  Lword doesn't use the "F"(fat) word around her kids, and I'm beginning to think I need to head in that same direction, but the damage is done so would it really help any to stop now? I didn't even think I used it around them.
    UGh I feel, not happy right now! Have your kids ever called you fat?

My birthday secret

    So I wrote a little about watching your weight during the holidays, and I know not everyone's birthday is during or right after holidays like mine is.  Every few years my birthday lands on superbowl Sunday, and that would be fine for football fans, but I'm no football fan and every few years of my life no one would show up for my party.  When I got older I would end up just going to superbowl parties, but with that comes A LOT of snacks that will go straight to your ass so be careful during the last holiday (superbowl sunday).

I think I started resenting my birthday long before I understood super bowl though.. I was raised by my grandparents and every year my mom would promise she was coming and I would wait on my porch for hours.  They would try and bring me in to hang out with friends and family but I waited until it was dark.  I guess it hurt so bad because the one person in the world I thought should be there couldn't find the time to see me.  As I got older I kind of obsessed about making it perfect and every year I'd cry and nothing was EVER good enough.
    This year I'm changing things up.  I expect nothing. I usually use my birthday to get my way.  Example: my husband won't ever go ice skating so I might use my birthday as an excuse to guilt him into doing it with me.  My husband is an amazing sport and always gives in to what I want.  I talk a lot of crap and I'm sure, no positive my friends think I'm some sort of diva birthday monster, but the truth is...This year is different.  
    I went on and on about how I want to go camping, and I knew no one except K-cups would come with me so I jokingly tried to use my birthday as an excuse to get all my best girlfriends together to come have a good time hiking and sitting by a fire shooting the shit with me.  I really don't like my birthday, but none of them know that.  It's coming up and at first I was stressed that I would plan something and people wouldn't show up, so I have dropped it and 100% let go. I have no expectations or plans.  I mentioned(possibly many times) that I wanted to go camping and so many of the girls were like omg Bonnie I hate the beautiful outdoors I hate tents and stars and getting out of the house. lol So I gave up, and honestly now that I'm not having a party I feel free!
    I felt so bad guilting them into it when all I REALLY wanted was to be surrounded by people I love.  I only want people to come camping with me because they think it would be fun and will actually try and enjoy themselves.  By trying to force them to come I was only setting myself up for inevitable failure because I'd have a bunch of miserable women on my hands and that sucks.
    Maybe it's the new trying to be more active Bonnie wanting to get out of the normal eating cake or going out drinking.

    My husband just interrupted my typing to ask if I knew I had a package from my grandma. I just opened it and at the bottom was a photo album.  Before I pulled it out I burst into tears! It was pictures of me growing up, and it couldn't have come at a better time.
    For my first birthday family and friends got together and took me camping.  Maybe that's where my love of camping started.  Some of the pictures are of my grandpa who in my eyes is the greatest man who ever lived!  And this makes me want to go camping even more because I live in Hawaii and I know if my grandpa was still with us he would go in a second!  But I don't want anyone to be guilted into it I want to have pictures like the ones of my first birthday. I want smiling family and friends. I want memories that will last forever. Birthday or no birthday I want to live my life to the absolute fullest and even if it's just me and K-cups I know I will cherish it forever . So here's to friends, family, and fun.  I feel free now that I finally
realized fun isn't forced.
    I have no clue if my friends are planning anything(truly for once I have not snooped or asked questions) I'm sure they would take me out for a girls night because I'm a lush, but that isn't at all what I would want. I want to be surrounded by people who genuinely are happy to be my friend. I don't want a party I want no financial burdens on anyone.  The most perfect birthday I ever had was my first birthday in a tent surrounded by the people who love me most.   No cake no frills just good friends.  So I apologize now for being such a brat because I prayed on it and all I want is your friendship.
 

I will be planning a camping trip and if no one comes that's okay cuz I don't want anyone bringing down our fun.

Facebook friends?

    Would you be friends with someone who wouldn't be your facebook friend?  It's kind of a comical question, but really...Could you, would you?  So It started because I had a friend a lifetime ago who would delete people if you weren't active on his page at least once a week.  I thought this was insane, but I'm finding out more and more that a lot of my friends have strange sets of rules for how they pick who stays and who goes out of their facebook friends.
    So I've heard things like, "oh well I don't take it that serious, but I guess it's serious business for you".  It's really quite the opposite.  I keep people because I don't take it seriously, but I feel when you weed through people you actually know it has become more serious to you. I have been called picky when it comes to accepting original request, so I guess I do a good job of screening in the first place so I don't need to delete people weekly.
    I do get offended when a person I thought had no hard feelings against me deletes me.  For me it makes it hard to see them around..Are we friends?  I'm not confrontational so I don't wanna just be like hey wtf, what did I do? Why would I be friends with someone who wont even be my facebook friend?        I enjoy watching how my friends are doing even if I don't say anything, and I know they enjoy following me even if they say nothing.  I'm the kind of person who could go 5 years without speaking to you then pick up where we left off like nothing.
      I guess if I offend you or you decide you just aren't compatible with me then that's fine, but that means we are not friends and we don't wish to have any kind of friendship.  I'm such an open book, I have little to no secrets, and I don't take my facebook seriously.  I use it to keep family and friends updated on my life and to keep updated on their lives. I am an Army wife so I will never be close to home, so for me to delete people that aren't actively involved in my life would be crazy.  haha maybe I'm a hoarder of friends. I keep with them them all!   So tell me, If you thought you were real life friends with someone and they deleted you on fb would you still think you were friends like before? Would your opinion change?  When someone deletes me it's like my friend is having a birthday party and not inviting me and I didn't do anything wrong.
    Like I said I understand if you will never ever talk to them or have no desire to talk to them, or maybe you aren't like me and you add people the second you meet then you later realize they weren't the awesome friend you thought they were gonna be. I get that, but deleting  people you have history with, I don't get that... What do you think? Is your fb fort knox?  Do you go on random deleting sprees, getting rid of anyone who didn't wish you a happy birthday? I wanna know.. comment below

My life as a fat girl: Elliptical workout

 

  Sometimes being shamed into fitness is amazing and other times it wears you down.    I'm a protectionist by nature.  I stress out and I obsess when I can't do something great!  When I do the park workouts I'm always stressed out about what the workout might consist of.  My upper body strength has a lot to be desired, but I try.  I can see how to an on looker it might seem like I'm not trying, but that thing they are seeing is a girl who is feeling defeated.  When something like push-ups is on the schedule I give up before I start.  I feel so dumb because I have never in my life been able to do a push up, and everyone around me is pumping them out.  If its abs, psht all day long I can literally do sit-ups for 30 min straight, and squats all day long..You ask me to do one pull up, yeah that's not gonna happen.  Today I did the park workout and my own gym workout.
    Today I went to "the girls gym".  It was my first time in there other then to take classes, and it was a really nice place.  Its was a little over whelming that the weight room in the girls gym was filled with a bunch of meat head dudes...-_- not cool....  So I decided to do the elliptical, and being a fat girl sometimes I feel a little lost in the gym so instead of wondering around I decided to do a full workout only using the elliptical. Don't ask me how I come up with this stuff, it just comes to me as I go.  I went so so so hard. haha I really did push really hard.  I did an hour in total on interval.  I will be posting a video of all the different moves so it is a little easier to understand. oh yeah ps I've lost 5 pounds!!! omg so excited!!!

Repeat until hour is up!!!Do normal 5 min cool down at end.

1 song-Elliptical squats

(you just hold on to the inner bars and squat down. I do up 8 count down 8 count)

1 song- Crisscross death punch

(You turn your feet sideways to the left and turn body to the left, then hold onto inner bars with you right hand"inside hand" and put your outer hand on the moving arm then step hand with the inside foot while crossing over your body with the moving arm repeat on other side)This works your obliques the motion will have you kind of doing a standing side crunch 

1 song- Rock out

(stay on beat to whatever the song is)

1 song- Figure eights

(with every step move hips in figure 8 motion) 

1 song- Oblique punches
(place hands on top of the moving arms and use your arms only to power the machine it will give you resistance in your arms and work your obliques)

My life as a fat girl: Holidays

  I'm not much for holidays at all, but I do have many girlfriends who love them.  I grew up in a half practicing Jewish family so we did have a tree but we called it a Hanukkah bush.  I do have fond memories of decorating the tree but we never had a Christmas dinner or anything we would all just meet up for Hanukkah and have dinner but nothing too unhealthy.
    As an Army wife I am around a ton of different kinds of people.  Most of them share the same opinion on our families Christmas traditions though.  We have dinner just like we always do and we wake up in the morning and open gifts.  We don't have a tree or any decorations just gifts that I saved up over the year.  I also do gifts a bit different than most families.  When my son does something amazing I get a gift, it can be big or small depending on budget, but I wrap it then I write a letter explaining why he is getting the gift. example: you haven't had any potty accidents in a month. I will go on about how happy and proud I am of him. Then on Christmas we read all the letters on what wonderful things happened in the year and open gifts that we can all be thankful for. Some people think it is cruel to do things this way, because when they are teens they might be bad as hell, but the way I look at it is if you got one gift then I guess you should try harder next year.
    Anyway, I have let myself get sidetracked...  The holidays are usually a very hard time for people health wise.  They binge on all the delish food on thanksgiving and Christmas.  Then when the new year comes around the gyms are littered with people and their new years resolutions.  I choose to stick with my holiday traditions and let things happen.  As a military family we don't have much money and I don't want my children to think we live some lavish life and start expecting things that we just cannot deliver.
    This year things will be a tiny bit different in that we are hosting a multifamily Thanksgiving.  Everyone is going to bring something and hopefully it can save everyone some money and bring our military families together, since most of us do not have the money or the leave time to go back to the mainland to be with family.  Being a foster child I know that blood has nothing to do with who your family is and I'm very happy to call all these ladies my family.
    I hope to feel better by then since I started birth control recently and have found myself being very depressed.  I haven't been showing up to my workout group, I stopped running and I just find it hard to get out of bed.  Sometimes I feel depressed to the point where I shouldn't be alone with my own thoughts.  I have only been on it for a month and I can see a huge change in myself, so my husband is going in to get snipped.  I think it will make a huge difference since I have a terrible fear of getting pregnant again and ending up 300lbs.  We have gone from a healthy intimate life to non-existent because of my fear.
    I know a lot of people get depressed during the holidays, but I really want to work hard to get out of this slump.  My grandma comes to visit in 60 days and I have been so off track she wont notice any difference in me if i keep this sloth like attitude up.  On a good note today I went to a birthday party for A's kids and I hated the cake(butter cream yuck) so I didn't eat it, all of it, shamefully in the bathroom like some closet fat girl.  Speaking of, I used to eat in my car so people wouldn't see me eating. I thought they would be thinking " why is she eating".  So, I have gone completely  off course, but the point of it is...don't let yourself get sidetracked in all the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Don't think you have to eat certain foods and do certain activities just because everyone else if doing it.  It's your life and your family so make your own traditions. Eat what you want and don't wait until January to start working out only to quit two weeks later.  Also, if you are hosting a holiday maybe try and make healthy alternatives to the norm.  Here in Hawaii we have purple sweet potatoes that i think are more sweet.  So instead of can candied yams I use the purple ones, and it's fun to eat purple food.  For mashed potatoes I use red potatoes, 2% milk instead of whole and try to let people add their own salt and butter.  Just a few little changes might help a twinge.  Do you guys have any tips on how to keep healthy during these delicious times?

Review of Sterns puddle jumper vest

    I live in Hawaii and we spend a lot of time in or near the water. My newly 4 year old son hated getting in the water past his knees. We tried to buy him a standard life jacket and he would scream and scream if you put him in the water. He was content playing in the sand just where the water started to come up.
    While at Target one day he saw the Sterns 3d shark puddle jumper vest and asked if we would get it for him. They retail for about $30.  He finally got to try it out at Lanikai Beach which is known for being very calm and perfect for kids and paddle boarding.  I put it on him and didn't have high expectations of him going into the water.  He seemed excited to have it on and I took him out to the water where he couldn't touch. Whats this, he isn't screaming? He got a little scared and started to say he wanted to go back to the sand. I let him go and said swim there. And would you believe it? He did it! He swam for the first time with this float vest on.I was beyond excited!  I will buy this vest for all my friends with small children. I really do love it and will tell everyone of our lil's success.
    He swam around all afternoon and I am so happy he has this new found confidence in the water. I'm just so happy we found this vest it has made all the difference in the world. Now my baby boy doesn't have to be scared of the water.

my life as a fat girl 10:Oahu, Hawaii Koko Head trail hike Review

Today was our ladies hike.. Okay, why on earth we still let the womb pick hikes is beyond me haha because a quarter of the way up we are always questioning why we keep taking her advice on what trail to pick. The parking is actually really good compared to other hikes on Oahu. You will walk though the parking lot and see the trail on the left. You will then walk down a short paved road to the head of the trail. 

    So it starts off what we will call "slow" since this hike is a world of suck! Its a straight forward hike(literally). You cannot get lost on this trail, but it is easy to become dehydrated so please remember water.  It's a little over 1,000 steps that are formed from rail road ties. The steps with concrete are slick with loose dirt so watch your step.  The "bridge" is the half way point it is scary if you have even a slight fear of heights but don't fret.  There is a trail to the right that you can take right before the bridge. I decided to crawl up the bridge, but on the way down I tried to walk across it but was too terrified so i had to sit down and crawl back up to take the path around.  Take it slow because once you think you can see the end your mind will start thinking it will never end.

    

 At the top of the trail there will be some old bunkers and other old buildings no longer in use.  There are a ton of chance for awesome pictures so take your time and enjoy the break. You will go up and to the left will be big rocks to climb up or you can go to the right for a much easier path.  Once all the way at the top there will be another bunker you can climb on and take pictures. If you look to the right there will be a trail, but please take extreme caution in proceeding on this path because there have been recent deaths of people falling off. I went a short ways until the path started to get dangerous.
    There will be people there that do this trail every week, and good
for them but a few days later and I still feel it! Take your time and please don't go alone your first time.  I do not suggest wearing slippas on this trail although I did see people barefoot(also not suggested). I didn't think it was safe for me personally to carry my baby up this trail since I had to bend down a lot to pull my short self up on some of the big steps and I did slide on some of the loose gravel.  Take it slow it isn't a race! and make sure to always be polite, if you're a slower hiker please move to the side for people.

My life as a fat girl: Around the girl in 80 days

  My grandma comes to visit me in 80 days. I have been working out but I'm starting this at the 80 day mark.  I was raised by my grandma until I was 13 years old.  She means the world to me, but I know she would love for me to get healthy and happy and be able to wear the clothes I love again.  I used to model and she was always so supportive of me. She bought multiple copies of things I was in, and I know she was happy for me.  I gained all this weight, and I know she still loves me but I would love to show her how hard I've been working at this.  I will be updating this every few days instead of having 80 posts.
  Day 80: I ran my first 5k! I set small goals because sometimes I don't really believe in myself so I wanted to make a goal I thought was achievable.  I was laying in bed when my phone rang.  It was one of my army wife besties.  She asked if I wanted to take her husbands place in the Susan G. Komen cancer run.  I was kinda scared but I said yes.  I wasn't prepared for the "hill" but I had a blast.  She is always so motivating...I know she wanted to leave me in the dust but she stuck with me.  It made me feel...special, yeah special! I know she really wanted to do 30 min and she totally could have but I had to stop a few times she jogged in place and waited for me. ugh I'm such a sap getting teary.  At our last duty station I didn't think anyone cared about me, and here I have so many amazing friends who I would jump to do anything for. I love that I accomplished one of my goals, and now I'm working on a non stop 5k.
 
Day 78: I feel hopeful and I'm not gonna lie a bit terrified. I had pretty great success then I started birth control and relapsed. I feel like I work out and don't get anywhere at all.  I want this so bad though so I'm going to do what I can. I did 3 miles on the bike today. I know I could have done more but I fell asleep.  I realize it is a bold choice to post before pictures with no after.  Some call it the shame diet..I dunno maybe it is, but here I am all 210lbs of me. It's not cute but I want o be open and honest with you. This isn't a story of a girl who magically has a great body over night. It's hard, really hard and I know sometimes when I went looking for motivation I wish there was someone who was honest from the beginning. The days where you ran for miles and the nights you ate your weight in cookies. I want to show you it all. an eating disorder ravaged my life because I grew up with crazy thoughts about obsessively chewing food would make me skinny and eating at timed times. It was all crazy! I have no clue where I'm going but I can only move forward from here.
   

 Day 75:  Koko head trail... What looks like a pretty basic beginners hike is the thing nightmares are made of. It was about 1,200 "steps" of awful. It was hot and crowded and sometimes slippery.  My legs felt like jello and I didn't know if I was going to make it down to the bottom. Everyone always says there's an amazing breeze at the top. Well I wish someone got a picture of my face covered in shear rage when there was no breeze up there. The view was gorgeous, but I was so hot! The way down was scary and slow. There's a "bridge" you have to go over and let me tell you how funny it must have looked to watch a grown woman go over about 6 rail road ties and sit and start trying to crawl back to go down and around.  It took me an hour and a half to get up there but it is no joke. My fingers swelled and I couldn't close my hands.(fun times). This hike is 2,098 steps.
    Day 73:  After koko head I sort of felt like I was going to die.  My legs hurt and I could barely make it up my stairs.  This morning I did make it to my ladies workout though and I am did this ab workout from pintrest.  I feel like my birth control has been very draining, but I'm trying to get enough rest and get through even a normal day.  This has been a long pay period so we have a bare fridge so I have been getting pretty creative with the food we have left, but not the most healthy.  We get paid soon and I will be doing my first attempt of freezer meals.   I will let you know how it goes and things I would do different next time.  I will also post a menu and shopping list with how I did it.
Day 67:(Nov 3,2013)  Ive been awful!  My sister has been in town for her hunny moon and one of my best friends birthday was this weekend.  I have gotten no where, and fast.  This week I'll have to kick it into overdrive if I want to achieve anything.  I went to a luau and ate our whole party's weight in pork.  On a productive note I have actually gotten something done.  I have started freezer meals for this month and it is my first time doing it so I'm learning from trial and error.  I have a few more things to finish tomorrow but i am doing a months worth of dinners. One of my huge goals was to not eat out as much and I'm hoping by doing this it will cut down on the amount of crap we eat.  I'm not sure why but every time my husband asks me whats for dinner when I have put no thought into the topic just drives me mad.  I am quite the lazy house wife sometimes, and I'm trying to teach myself to be domesticated.  When I was young I thought when you grew old you just learned everything you need to know.  I guess I assumed that you come about a certain age and it would pop into your head.  That day never came and so I'm teaching myself what some orphans never learn.  So this journey starts with freezer meals and I hope it is a success.
Day 58- B-bitch asked me to go clothes shopping with her.  Clothes shopping is bad enough but shopping with a girl who's a size four can be some what of a nightmare in daylight.  The good news was I didn't need any clothes and even if I did I am super broke so I couldn't afford anything anyway.  To humor myself I grabbed 4 pairs of pants, 2 boot cut and 2 skinny jeans. I got a size 14 and a size 16 in each.  I was trying to save myself from the walk of shame if the 14s didn't fit me.  Possibly over ambitious I tried on the size 14s first, and they fit! I was over the moon! Actually I was in shock and disbelief. I checked the tag over and over to make sure I wasn't jumping the gun.  As it stands I have gone from a size 20w to a 14! How the hell did that happen? I feel like I haven't even been trying, I feel like I don't deserve such success...  I stood there looking at my ass in the mirror...I didn't see anything different. In my eyes I still see that size 20 girl looking at me.  I felt defeated and sad.  I hate myself sometimes, I hate that I never can see myself for what I am.  I'm still a fat girl, and I'm scared that in my mind I will always be a fat girl.
Day 57- Today I felt more motivated.  I went to the gym and did the elliptical for 30 min on fat burner.  I used to do Hawaiian and Tahitian dance so I like to put it to good use on the elliptical and do figure eights on an incline with high resistance.  Try it, it sucks, but I have convinced myself its how I kept my waist so small.  Today was a good day my son wrote his name by himself and had a great day at school. yup, life is pretty good.  I do still stress out that my grandma is going to see me and not notice a change, that would break my heart, but I'm gonna keep on keepin on.
Day 52- Today I went to the guys gym and I did:

35 min on the elliptical(weight loss mode)
10 min on the rower level 8
5 sets of 5 95lb dead lifts 
20 25lb kettle bell swings
20 20" box jumps
20 pistols each leg

 Day 50-(nov21,2013) I really pushed my self today.I did the ladies workout in the park in the morning and in the evening I worked out alone. I know when I first got to the gym people were looking at me like oh fat girls first time in a gym shes just gonna do the elliptical.lol then they were like damn fat girl is going hard.You can see the full workout here.I warn you this thing is no joke.
Day 49-(nov.22,2013) went to the guys gym since A bailed on me at the last min leaving me no time to go to the girls gym. -_- But not to fret fat girls Bonnie here went it alone, met some nice ladies, and had a great workout. Did the half hour version of my elliptical workout and then spent some time shooting the crap with the ladies in the sauna.  I'm not gonna lie today was a bad day food wise.  My friend A had thanksgiving early because her best friend is moving away.  Needless to say I ate a lot of tasty food, but I'm happy to report that I did try to stick with some kind of moderation and not go back for seconds.  I can't believe my grandma is almost here. I am a little stressed that I don't  look any different, but I know she will be happy to see me no matter what and I will be happy to see her!

Day 45-(nov 25,2013)  Omg I ca't believe she will be here in 45 days!  I have been busy trying to eat better and workout more.  I have also been sewing like a mad women.  I also started making petticoats which is not as hard as I was previously making it.  I like everyone else on the internet found sugardale's blog, but even her very detailed breakdown was too complex for me.  I will do a tutorial on how I do mine.  This is a picture of one of my dresses with the petticoat under.  I scrolled up and took a look at the picture from day 80, and even though I have a hard time seeing a change in myself I know I am so happy with how far I have come.

Day 44-(nov. 26,2013)  Tonight I worked out with my friends K-cups and Lword. I did the elliptical and rower with k-cups and the rest with Lword.  I finished my insane elliptical work out then weighed myself. I have lost 3lbs putting me back at 210.6lbs yay!  I have set a small goal..Well, to me it's huge.  I want to get under 200lbs before my grandma comes.  I have faith I can do it but at the moment it seems impossible.  So Lword and I had some good laughs with the ladies in the sauna.  I got to thinking, why are our workout styles soooo different?  Okay, so here's what I could come up with.  Lword is VERY structured and I'm a free spirit.  I don't go to the gym with much of a plan, and if something I want to do is crowd I don't worry and move on with a new plan, or lack of.  

35min 

10min fish game on the rower on level 8

3 rounds:50 seconds each no rest!

Ropes

25lb push press

20" box jump

25lb kettle bell swings

20min in the sauna

1.8mile walk home

Day 39 (Dec 1, 2013) I went to the guys gym today and did 30 min of cardio then some ab work, and then spent some time in the sauna. I lost 1 pound this week and I feel pretty proud of myself.  Oh gosh I just started thinking about where I started and where I am now...I'm writing this with tears filling my eyes.  I have worked so hard and I can't wait to see my grandma.  I hope she will be proud. I hope I can loose this 11 Lbs and be at least 199lbs before she gets here. I just want her to be proud of me.  I haven't exactly done much in my life, but this is for her.  She is a cancer survivor and when I think of day one of that cancer run and I had to stop a few times.  I had my friend in front of me saying just think of what these women went through. I tried to find the strength and it wasn't there.  I want it to be there, and I'm working hard to find it. I love you gma.

Day 38(dec2,2013) I'm on a mission to find someone to let me borrow their T25 videos for 30 days. Wish me luck! went to the gym and just did the elliptical workout with a twang of abs and some sauna.
Day 37(dec3,2013) I took my son to school then met up with a friend to go a few rounds on the track. I followed her to her house after and we did T25.  Then I went to the guys gym and did...

"The elliptical workout"

5 min on the rower

3rounds of

1 min wall balls

1 min sit-ups

1 min box jumps

15 min in the sauna

Day 36(dec.4,2013) Went to the gym and ran on the treadmil. I ran 5k and shaved  30 seconds off my average run time.  I actually felt pretty comfortable with that pace. I'm gaining muscle and my skin isn't keeping up so my tummy tire and thighs look gross! I'm still proud of how far I've come though.

Day 34(dec.7,2013) I went to the gym and got on the scale. I saw I was up 2lbs (211lbs) So I instanly got on the treadmill and pushed my fat butt so hard that I shaved 2 min off my mile time I went from a 14:48 mile to a 12:25 and I was pretty damn proud of myself. I know it's wrong but I like to get on the scale and if I even gained an ounce I push myself extra hard. At the end of our workout Beast saw the monkey bars and tried to see how many she could do. I said,"I can't do them, they hurt my hands and it feels like sand bags tied to my ass"! She got on and did awesome! I did try and did 7. A little back story... a year and a half ago I went to a park with my kids and tried to do the monkey bars and could't even do 1 so I set a goal of being able to do them. I didn't want to jump up and down but on the inside that's really how excited i was!

1-12:25min mile

40 min on the bike

1st round

40 seconds battling ropes standing on BOSU 

40 second burpees

40 second battling ropes standing on BOSU

40 second sit-ups

40 second battling ropes standing on BOSU

20 kettlebell swings

2nd round

40 seconds battling ropes lunges switching between right and left on BOSU 
40 second burpees
40 second battling ropes lunges switching between right and left on BOSU
40 second sit-ups
40 second battling ropes lunges switching between right and left on BOSU
20 kettlebell swings
3rd round
40 seconds battling ropes side lunges switching between right and left on BOSU 
40 second burpees
40 second battling ropes side lunges switching between right and left on BOSU
40 second sit-ups
40 second battling ropes side lunges switching between right and left on BOSU
20 kettlebell swings
7 monkey bars(my pr) but try to go until failure

THE END: Jan 10, 2014 So I'm so excited to share that I hiked the lighthouse today with my grandma and Lword.  It was the second hike I did on island, and the first hike for my life as a fat girl as a group.  When I did that hike july 27th sure it was like a million degrees and whatnot... I started out up that first incline and was huffing and puffing, I passed people in strollers and couldn't imagine how they could ever get up pushing them. It seemed almost impossible with just pushing myself up that thing. 

This time I went and it was different, I wasn't out of breath at all and I even ran for a min. It was amazing,still hot, but amazing! I saw whales and really enjoyed the whole thing without stopping to take an I'm gonna die break.  I'm so much stronger than I was then. I'm not under 200 lbs like I wanted to be, but I am down 22lbs. I didn't notice how far I had come but I'm really proud of myself today. So this is the end of around the girl in 80 days. I fell off the wagon so hard while my husband was on leave, but I still didn't gain any weight and that is something to be proud of.

My life as a fat girl 9: Peddle to fitness

    Today I walked in the door and saw my husband sitting watching youtube. I was carrying a sleeping baby and got the great idea to go to the gym. so I passed that baby off and I walked over there, opened the door....I was the only one there, yay! As most of my fellow fat girls would probably agree, we don't like an audience to the jiggling, huffing and puffing.  It's a community center gym and there's not much to it, but I prefer to be alone. I actually just found the key my hubs had lost(it was under the floor mat in our truck) -_-.

    I sat on the bike with a goal in mind. I wanted to finish 10 miles in 1 hour increasing intensity every 2 miles. I was getting to that last stretch and boom time passes and I didn't make it. I went over by 5 seconds, but am still very proud of myself. I haven't been really setting any goals for myself. I just wanted to get through the days.
    My grandma is coming to visit me in January, and I just can't let her see me fat. Of course I want to be healthy for me blah blah but I really want her to see me and cry! I know she wants me to get in shape, as do I. I think the moment she sees me, if I should succeed will be absolutely priceless. So as I was riding I just kept looking at my thunderous thighs. I was almost cursing them in my mind. Every time I would look up I would see the sign on the wall NO FOOD!!!NO FOOD!!!NO FOOD!!! It was as if it was taunting me and my inner anorexic girl. But I had this crazy battle," no Ana, no, you wont win!" insane I know, but if you have battled this B**** you will understand that even a simple sign can set you on some crazy trip down it was a sign I shouldn't eat.
    So here I am...A big girl, a scared girl, a girl who just drank 50 oz of water(ahhh gotta pee). lol k I'm back with a snack 12 grapes(cut in half) 1 celery stalk with peanut butter and a string cheese. I have found snacking to be hard.  You go your whole life with people telling you if you snack you will get fat, but it is just not true. Pass up the chips and go for something healthy. I cut my grapes in half to make it seem like I'm getting more. As i go I will try and share some tips and tricks I pick up along the way.  Now get up and do something active!

My life as a fat girl 8: Hike #3 Pillboxs

     We had the mountain people join us for this hike and they were a pleasure to have. 
     We mostly live in central oahu, and the good hikes are on the far side of the island.  So we decided it would be smartest to leave at 6am to make it there by 7am so it wasn't too hot.(cough cough like the light house hike blah) It is a beautiful drive across the island with little traffic on an early sunday morning.  When you get close there will be a golf course on the right and some dirt with a small trench on the side of the road.  This is the best place to park.  You will walk toward the gated community and turn left you will see the sign pictured.

B-Bitch 2.0 pictured on the left Bonnie(me)on the right

    So here we are all bright eyed and bushy tailed just excited to hike this thing, and catch the amazing views.  So the hike will be to the right of the sign.  There aren't many hikes(that I've been on anyway) that made me want to quit the second step in haha. Okay, so there will be a rope to the left...Don't be a tuff guy and not use it, it sucks! So you get up all that horrid stuff boom you feel impressed with yourself...Then... you think oh it's starting to ease up. WRONG! Then more up hill, like straight up. So you finally huff and puff to the first pill box.  The views are gorgeous, but even this fat girl wanted to see more.  You will pass this pillbox(bunker) and move on to the next.  The hike to the second one in comparison is an easy one.  So just walk around and take lots of pictures to send to jealous family on the mainland.  I'm going to count what we found as a third pillbox even though it was tiny.
    In between the second and third pillbox we decided to pull the surprize cupcake I had stashed for "L".  She was turned around while "b-bitch2.0" took her picture. We pretended to have camera malfunction and started singing her happy birthday. She was so surprised and the happy look on her face was worth the painful hike to the top.  We thought it would be funny to be a hungry mob.(since we are fat girls ;)  She had a few bites and we were on our way to the third pillbox.  We got there and it was much smaller but we were still excited to see it.  By this point I wasn't huffing and puffing over every ridge.
   After the third pillbox stuff started to get real.... Well, let me explain. There was nothing really left to see, so we had to choose, go forward and have to find the car through the city or just turn around and go back the way we came.  The group( I had no hand in this haha) choose to move forward.  At first it didn't seem so bad and we we even having fun. We came across an older man and asked him how far the start of the hike(ie our car) was from the end point. He said about a mile but warned us that it gets extremely treacherous at the end.  My grandmas voice ringing in my ears I said lets just turn around, but onward we went.
    The huffing and puffing started again as the incline started to get steeper.  We stopped a few times, but for the most part just went for it.  I was in the front of the pack(by default not by skill).  The last ridge is pretty nuts you will need to use your hands to help you up on some parts. we got to the top. That picture is me being so proud of myself I almost cried, but I held it together cuz ya know...I got a rep =). oh yeah, see that drop off behind me?  Have you guessed how to get down to the ground yet? Well, first I will tell you we gained 1,362 ft and the highest ridge was a 689ft gain from one to another.  Look, I am not at all scared of heights but we had a long way down.
   

    So, I was the first one to start headed down this beast.  I took a few steps and fell.  I caught myself by grabbing a tree.  I was too scared to be the leader of the pack on this one, so B-bitch 2.0 took the lead taking a few steps and sliding down past me. "L's" giant water jug barreling past her. I felt helpless to help her as I held on to the tree.  It was one of those moments you just want to close your eyes and wake up I didn't want to go back I didn't want to go forward.  I looked around, still holding onto the tree, and thru the bushes I saw a path to the left I made my way through and saw it was slightly easier. I tarzaned my way from tree to tree slipping and sliding the whole way down. the "easy" path will cross the hard one going to the right, TAKE IT! We made it almost all the way down when I lost my footing and slid I had a hold of a small tree and that's all that saved me from possibly hurting myself worse.

This is the end. I was fighting back tears for the picture.

I fell and landed on the side of the very narrow path hitting my ankle on a rock.  I stopped there somewhat in shock and pain.  I continued on even though the pain was awful.  I knew it wasn't broken and I figured I was being a baby.  We only had about 300ft to the bottom, and I took my time the rest of the way down. With tears pouring down my face, I was hot and in pain and just wanted it to be over.  I heard the voices of the girls who had finished and I felt over joyed. It was over... And as all the other times I felt so proud of all of us, we did it! Who knew what a couple of fat girls could do? We always head to the beach after our hikes and this is one of my favorites. It was a pretty great day.

My life as a fat girl VII: Changing thinking

    I spent the first 21 years of my life having people ask me if I was anorexic. I was always so skinny, I couldn't help it.  But on my 21st birthday I had a little too much fun and got pregnant by my now husband. My doctors were concerned about my eating habits since I did have an eating disorder for so long, so they asked me to keep a food journal.  I tried to be honest and I also tried my best to eat more and be as healthy as possible. I ended up gaining 75lbs which didn't help me with my fear of food. When I walked into the hospital in Oct. 2009 I weighed 200lbs I had an 8lb 6oz baby and left weighing 200lbs. Fast forward to Fathers day 2011 I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I weighed 200lbs, and I went full term and gained 13lbs. I successfully breastfed for 14 months and lost the weight I had gained.
    I had been sitting at 200lbs until I actually started trying to loose weight and I gained 20lbs putting me at an all time high.  I felt defeated and depressed.  I couldn't leave my house, and even if I wanted to nothing really fit.  I ended up loosing 15 lbs pretty fast but have now been sitting at 205lbs.  It seems like no matter what I do i just can't get under 200. I have been running more and I work out 3 days a week (it was 6 but with scheduling issues it has been hard).  I will never stop trying but I feel like I'm running in circle but not getting anywhere.
    I am this "weird" size where I'm too big for "normal" stores but too small for plus size stores.  I started teaching myself to sew because I just couldn't find clothes that fit me.  I dream of the day I walk into my favorite tj maxx and I try on my previous size 20 and have it not fit, so I go back and get a smaller size until I'm in a normal size.

    What the hell is "normal" anyway?  I have spent my entire life obsessed with my size and weight, nothing was or has been good enough for me. Even now with having success. It makes no difference to me if I am fat or skinny because I will always look in the mirror and find a flaw.  The best thing I can do is try and celebrate every success, and not forget how far I have come. When I do forget I can look back at the before picture.
    I do not use any formal diet, I don't go to the gym, and I don't take any pills or supplements other then shakeology.  I never learned how to eat healthy or exercise, so you will be following me from baby steps to running marathons.  I think a part of me is scared to lose weight, or maybe I'm scared to try and fail.  The next two weeks I'm going to bust my butt no matter how tired I am or how perky "L" is. I'm going to do the damn thing. My goal is to lose 6 lbs in two weeks putting me at 199. I haven't been under 200 in 4 years so this will be a huge deal if I'm successful. Wish me luck, and please do not lead me into temptation.

My life as a fat girl part VI: Meet the girls

    We all have a little competitor in us.. I remember the first day I met one of my best friends "Gumbie".  She came into the dance class and we all turned around to look at her.  She stood there in a gymnastics leo and we all giggled. She looked at her mom like really -_- you told me this is what they wear! ha-ha. She came and followed along.. I remember I busted my buns wanting to show her I was not going to be beat. I stretched further and leaped higher than any other day of practice.  Well I found out the hard way she's some double jointed stretchy freak of nature and was not to be messed with in the flexibility department. We are great friends now, but I have always loved a good competition.

Meet the girls

    Bonnie Belair- but you know me.I guess I got the name because I never give up on people(ya now some bonnie and clyde shit) and belair because i have some serious trunk space haha.  I'm not sure what my friend personality is, but I'm here the listener the constant talker..That girl with no filter that you can't bring around your sensitive friends.opps...I'm just me.. A girl trying to figure out how to be a grown up..A healthy grown up.

    My friend "A"- aka the non gay soft ball player haha grew up playing softball just like me, but the difference is she picked it back up and I am too much of a fraidy cat to try again and fail. We both started running together and both failed in the beginning. We have both been running at different times with different people, and have friendly competition with one another. I know at this point she can beat me but I'm always joking around saying,"as long as I beat A".
    "The beast" this girl is a sleeper! She motivates me beyond words. She came out of nowhere, I'm really not even sure who told her about the group but I am so happy to have her with us. I ran with her last night and she helped to push me to my 2 mile straight goal. I am working to running 7 miles straight with her for a race coming up. I know it is gonna be some serious work, but I hope to be ready in time. I will be running everyday, just about, to prepare.
    "L" aka pep pep hooray- Do you have that friend who wakes up with what seems to be sunshine in their eyes and a rainbow coming from their complexions? yeah to say the least she wakes up on the right side of the bed, at least every morning I've seen her. I walk up to our workout group and there she is with a huge smile cheering me on as I force myself to run to the other side of the playground.  But what would I do without her? Her positivity has helped
me become a tolerable person.  
    "The womb"-This girl has 4 kids, no wonder shes fearless!  She recently jumped off a 50 foot cliff and broke her tailbone, but is still going strong.  She was once a recluse but after four hours on the phone with me one day she has come out and been an amazing part of the group. She is crazy and will always be the one to get me to jump off things.I'm terrified for what she makes me do next haha
    "My belle"(get the beatles reference?) She lives in the mountains so she never makes it to the group for fear of setting off her 1950's style alarm system.  But she makes it to the hikes and we have fun fun fun me loves her(in a non lesbianotic way)

    "B-bitch 2.0"  aka skinny bitch shes that friend that makes you wanna pass on fries so technically keeping her around is good for my calorie count. Except we both have a gross obsession with panda express. AHHHH it will be the slow delicious death of us. she always smiles and never gives up. To my knowledge she is the only one who can do a pull up..(that bitch) and she is down for anything at the drop of a hat. me loves my skinny bitch. Oh did I mention she weighs a 75 lbs less then me and we have 2 kids the same age. -_- yeah once i got over the that.. haha i totally should have tried harder we could be sharing clothes about now. damn i wanna squeeze into those lace shorts.
    "ms.showers"  I got her pregnant(but thats another story for another time) so she has to take it easy, but she hasn't quit. I so happy for her even though I know she must be terrified to gain more weight, but we will not let her fail. Her sneaking me slurpies mmmmmm i should hate her but how can I haha.
    "the veteran" she is tuff and I don't feel she gives herself enough credit. I love her but our friendship is a toxic one(shes a baker ;) she has been out of commision because of a hurt ankle.
    Derby princess-  She is a tuff cookie with a gooey inside. Don't let her looks full you, this girl will be the first to give you a hand. She is too hard on herself but I look forward to the day she looks in the mirror and sees her hard work is really paying off. I will never give up on her. haha but who knows maybe she doesn't wanna lose weight cuz she knows I'd give her all my clothes. But dispite a giant list of injuries she is still trucking. ( that is when she wakes up on time ;)

Side note: these are not any nick names I call them..for some reason this is what came to mind. More will be added and some will be edited. Sorry if any offense was taken

Muffin top workout

10 side bends(each side)

10 weighted twists

10 bow extension with knee lift( each side)

10 "fire hydrants" (each side)

20 second side plank lifts x2 each side

10 seated can can