I am incredibly hard on myself, but I know I can't be alone. If my life was a comic the scale would be my enemy. I have gone through this process weighing myself as little as possible, and taking pictures often.This is me... A self proclaimed "fat girl". I have come so far but I feel my negative view of myself is one day going to get the better of me. "My life as a fat girl" is doing great things. People are getting up and out and it is showing all of us that we don't need anything fancy to get in shape. Today my friend C and I ran around the play ground like a bunch of kids doing jumping jacks and climbing over and under things. I did a toes to bar for the first time today, just for fun today! I tried that a few months ago and it was nothing short of comedy.I can assure you.
As I sat here uploading these two pictures...I had this over whelming sense of confusion. I wish I saw what everyone else sees in me. I have gone down 6 whole sizes ( from a 20W to a 14) but I still feel fat. I still look in the mirror and pull and poke at myself. I don't want to be this person, but I don't know how to stop. Sometimes I randomly burst into tears thinking about the day I walk into a "normal" girl store and fit into the clothes. But the truth is I'm not even sure what size those stores sell anymore, and I'm terrified to go shopping, and have nothing fit. So I'm waiting on the day I run out of clothes that fit, and it may take a while because I've been hoarding clothes this whole time. Getting rid of nothing, and holding onto some dream that one day they might fit again. Have you been in my shoes? How can I be so much smaller but in my eyes I look the same? Everyday I feel like I haven't tried hard enough.
Losing weight is an incredibly hard journey. It's one that in my younger years I never thought I would have to go through, but here I am. I refuse to stop trying, because I know even if I don't see any changes at least I can live with myself knowing I tried. I use to hear people talk about fat girls that would get thin or in shape, what have you, and they would say oh they are so nice because they don't know they're beautiful now. I tell people I was a very mean person..I was suck up and vain, and was just a bully. I sometimes feel I needed to gain all this weight to figure out who I really am. I have met so many amazing women, and I know that my closed off clicky self would never have gotten the chance to get close to them before. I still have no clue what my purpose in life is, so I will stick to five year old Bonnie's dream "I just want to make the world smile"!
1 comment:
Theres not really a like button for this but I'm going to post a comment so you know that i am reading your blogs and you are an amazing motivator and you've come so far in your journey that your just getting started. Your not only losing the weight but your finding how to love yourself and your body regardless of what shape your in. It a hard process and even when i was skinny skinny i didn't think i was skinny enough and i never wore tight fitting clothes always had a jacket on and never really got it in my head that i was skinny. But i look at myself now and i am definitely not as skinny as i use to be but i say damn i look good and i see myself for how i want to see myself and not how others see me or how i think they see me. Im glad to be on this journey with you, you've inspired me a whole bunches and oats :-D
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